Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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