Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
