im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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