So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You are the jesus of drinking
did i just pee glitter
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
