Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
