Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
