I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
