My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
