If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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