i don't plan on having that self control this summer
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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