She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
