my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
