i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
