he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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