I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
