Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
