Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
