Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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