Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I cannot find my penis.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
