Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
