I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
