i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
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These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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