I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
