i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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