Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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