I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
