He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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