Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
