I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
