May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
