forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize