Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
