No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
