You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
