I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
