Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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