My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
