Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
