Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
