hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
