I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
