please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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