how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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