I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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