Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
