just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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