Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
