It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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