Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
