woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
