dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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