i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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