My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
