I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
