Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
