babies were throwing up all over the place
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
